"The Dark Side"

It took my boobs 10 days to get the job after an Emergency Cesarean under full anesthesia.

I felt like I had lost my baby and just gotten one as a replacement, felt no connection at all... She did grow on me, very slowly, thanks to breastfeeding - cosleeping - holding her in my arms - and especially NOT listening to anything anyone was telling me (like letting her cry it out, putting her in a crib etc). Although I was a total wreck physically and emotionally after 9 months of throwing up and crawling in & out of hospitals - yup, hyperemesis - I tried to tune in with my instincts because it felt like my only option and in retrospect I am so happy I did.

I have never felt so alone in my 35 years on this planet full of people. So damn alone. The only thing that actually kept me going is the fact that I was responsible for that little creature and I had to make it work.

Breastfeeding saved me in a way - from despair and even from death (sorry I don’t want to sound too dramatic) because if it weren’t for keeping my baby alive I just might have given up on myself.

It took me 1,5 years to come back from the dark side. My darling Elisa is now 2 years and 3 months old and is the bright light of my life. She still breastfeeds a lot during the day and the night. We are doing very well now, and spend almost 24/7 together as her father left us when she was 4 months old. We will keep breastfeeding on demand for as long as Elisa wants (unless I change my mind in the future which would also be ok).

Thank you so much for asking me to tell my story, I have never written it down this way.

Els | @elisa.was.here

Mom of Elisa, Geographically Restless, Natural Parent (trying).